“It’s Simply a Way To Cheat”
Some say that Open Relationship or Poly is a way to “Cheat”. I find this very interesting as it implies that the other person owns you. That in regard to your intimate connection with yourself and others, you can “CHEAT”. To me The ONLY person you can really Cheat on is Yourself. The Only person you can be Untrue to is Yourself.
If you are Two Whole People, Two Sovereign People then you would not think that your lover being true to themselves over being true to your version of them was cheating. You would not need to control who your lover touches, where they go, what they do, so you feel better about them and about you. If you do find that you “need” this, well it is just a thought form, a belief, a perception. So convince your assuming mind, your emotions that need to control others actions to be ok, convince them that your lover is simply off alone in a cave in the mountains thinking only of you and focused only on the things that would make you feel ok about you.
Your Lover being True to Their Self has NOTHING to Do With You.
If you fill yourself up and don’t need your partner to do it then you don’t need to cling to your partner to be ok with yourself. If you got you, then what “they” do will not “destroy you”, “dissapoint you”, or alter your day or life in any way. If you got you then the Sovereign actions of your partner regarding their own life and body will not cause you to withhold love, intimacy and friendship that you do genuinely want and have to give to that person and “allow” them to “give” to you. You will not seek to punish them by not giving them what you actually authentically do want to give, to share with them.
You Don’t Own Someone Just because They Love you or you Love them.
If your partner has an intimate friendship with another, they are being true to them. If this makes or breaks you, if you are not “ok” with this, then check in with your beliefs.
Do you believe your life or a particular day is better somehow if your partner does a particular action, feels or says a certain thing, talks to this person and not that person, watches porn, flirts, spends days writing, meditating or studying or anything at all that takes time from you? Is it ok if they spend days writing, or creating but not if they spend that time experiencing laughter, joy, lust, play, hugs, with another person? Truly examine how that affects you? If you are secure in YOU, then it won’t affect you or your energy.
Do you think that your partner will only love you if they are not tempted by another? Do you believe that if your lover likes or loves something or someone other then you, then they can’t love you as much? Or it changes how you really feel about them?
Do you believe your partner will love you more, if you guilt trip them into being or pretending to be the version of them you want them to be?
At Any Point in your Life, if you are ok or not ok based on the actions of another, then they are in control of you. You have allowed them to control your peace of mind, your joy, your love, your sexuality, your everything. If the actions of another alters you in any way then they control you and you are filled up only by external actions, emotions, ques and not filling yourself up.
If your lover being true to themself makes you NOT love them, then you did not love them anyway, you LOVED the idea of them, their potential to you, a version of them you made up in your mind. You took a few things from the first few dates and made up the version of them that you were most ok with, loved, wanted. And when they showed their “true self” or changed as healthy people do, then you freak out, cry, scream, become depressed and well you lose your shit based on your lover not turning out to be that exact versio of them you thought or assumed they were after those first few dates.
Are you so insecure that you believe if they suppress their truth and focus on you then you will be ok? Doesn’t it feel icky to constantly wonder, worry, monitor your partner’s actions, thoughts, feelings, phone, so that you are ok with you? Why not just immerse in you and be with them when they actually want to be with you? Why not find other interests besides focusing on what you want your partner to be doing or feeling? Why not Focus on what you love, what you are passionate about, what you like to do that is not about your partner, your lover?
One Might say well we had an agreement and they lied, here’s the deal, they signed under duress. You can’t know everything about a person every, especially in the first few dates, or months. There is NO WAY you can commit your entire life to being the version of you that your partner thinks you are when you make such agreements. You end up spending a lifetime trying to honor their verion of you and wala your life is over and done, true to another and not yourself. And oftentimes neither party are truly happy and truly living a life they want, they are simply living a life that will make their partner stay so they don’t have to spend time alone, or take care of their own emotional needs or attention needs or want.
If neither of you are your real true self, then staying is actually just harming you, or restricting the wonderful things you could be experiencing in your life. Clinging to the illusion of security based on your lover being the version of them you need them to be is not love, it is Fear.
You do not have to change yourself to be “true” to another. You must absolutely be True to yourself above all else. This is literally how you Create Reality.
Ok so they say you can “Cheat On” your partner by lying, by not communicating. Thing is, yes lying is not of high integrity, I suppose, however, are they lying because you are not open to their truth and they don’t want to lose you? Is the only way to “keep you” by being monogamous and never being interested in anything or anyone but you, or is it just sexual? Can your partner have friends, deep conversation, as long as they don’t feel “love”? Is love not truly the goal of all moments? And what does me loving another have to do with how I feel about you? Actually NOTHING. Yes it is an energy and you feel that pull thing is focus elsewhere, my energy is my business, and my Job is to be True to me, if that loses you then it does.
A High Consciousness Relationship can yes, be monogamous, however, ONLY if it is the TRUTH. As the LIE is not love it is an Insecurity Blanket to keep you warm and safe in some altered, unfulfilled, suppressed, unhappy versio of you. If you both want monogamy, and it is not based on low frequency emotions such as low self esteem, jealousy and insecurity then yes it can be a high consciousness connection.
I Believe that the ONLY person you can Cheat On, is yourself. You can sit in a marriage for decades miserable or living a half truth and all because you want to please another over you. You want to NOT CHEAT and NOT “lose” the other person but are willing to Lose Yourself.
Been There done that.
Yes I have residual effects, energy of wanting my lover to do and be as I “approve” of so I feel ok, thing is me being ok is an inside job. It is my job to fill me up and either I want what my lover does have to genuinely, authentically offer me or I don’t. That Simple. If I need to change them, alter them, control them so that I am ok or feel good about me, then will I ever truly be “ok” and if so then at any moment someone else has the power over my ok-ness, and not me.
Thing is, it is YOUR Body and does not belong to your partner. No marriage certificate, No Promise of ANY kind is MORE important than YOU being True to you. You are Quantum, you Create Reality with every thought and belief. If you believe I need to act a certain way for you to be ok with you, then that is a belief, one in which is participating in creating the Reality in which you live within.
If you have to be a specific, non-changing version of you to “not lose” the affection of another, then LET THEM GO. As that is not your Truth, and not really even theirs, it is FEAR, and creates your life from a Fear Based Reality Foundation.
People Change. Every second of every day we create reality based on our beliefs. You must know your Belief to Consciously Create Reality. Plus we only show a part of our true self. And when dating we show what is fun and connected to that person, we cannot sustain the dating mode version of ourselves. And if we choose to suppress ourselves for the security blanket of not losing someone then do so knowingly.
Some choose having someone around just to be around, they want help with dishes, laundry, grocery runs and bills. I have met many dating who look for a relationship based on jobs, on what they can provide to the household, chores, and be the “rock” per say. Thing is most people lose themselves in this. They may feel safe and content but they have slipped into someone elses version of them. Oftentimes both people do it. Kind of like the boiling frog thing, they don’t even know as it is gradual that they suppress their true self to keep a relationship and be “ok”.
In the example above, those who I dated that wanted me to take care of them and their kids in every way, to be monogamous, yet they withheld touch, flirting, even in the first month of dating. Part of the whole relationship thing for them was to have me constantly on the chase and doing things for them and sexual or flirting only now and then when they want, like they wanted to just keep me interested so I would pay attention to them, they could “own me”, oh and I would do physical labor, chores, and contribute money.
To me it is VERY important to be your true self, both of you and if you like it and it aligns hang out, be “together”, however if you alter one thing about who you are to be with another this is not a relationship, it is more of ownership, you are being controlled and allowing it. Some call it compromise, thing is it’s NOT compromise it is you changing to have this relationship and abandoning your true self for it.
It is not Compromise so much as a mutual agreement whether spoken or not to work toward,
hence the saying Relationships are Work. Ya, No Thank You. If you have to work on a relationship that is not one you should be in. If you actually like it then it is NOT WORK.
Eliminate ALL Shoulds in your Relationship.
You take care of you and don’t control your partner in any way. If you do and they let you, then so be it, but that is more a business relationship and not truly LOVE.
Another interesting Irony is that the more you “Let Go” of trying to control your partner so that you feel better about you, about them, about your relationship, the more they will actually want to be around you and your love will actually be deeper and based on two independent people each being true to their self.
Some say I am being true to me by being monogamous, it’s what I like. Ok if that is true yay for you. And if that changes at any point you may not admit it because of that initial “promise”. You may simply want an intimate friendship, a companion, and if both of you are in your Truth then yes this is a positive.
If it’s True Love and not just a need to control others and your environment for your own trauma, then you can handle time apart and it would not affect you what another does, whether they do it naked or not, it is none of your business really. Oh but what about disease. Well your partner can get a disease many ways, however if you think you need to control their body to protect them from disease they may or may not get and to protect yourself from this, then they may not be the right partner for you, and trying to control them or change how they really feel is NOT Love, it is Control and Fear Based.
Some say you cheat on a partner by ignoring agreed upon boundaries about dating others, like not telling their partners when they have intimate connections with new people. Yes if your lover is lying to you about anything, you may not want to be with them. But that is you trying to change them and calling that a loving relationship. If you want them in your life, find out why they lied. Maybe they feel they own their own body and don’t need to run anything they do with their body by another, maybe they lie because the truth will cause you to pull in or treat them different, maybe they are financially dependant on you so they lie because you won’t be with them if they are their real true versio of themselves. The IMPORTANT part is to KNOW your Belief and don’t try and Control what others believe and feel so you feel better about YOU. That is NOT Love.
Also consider just because they don’t tell you that is not a lie, ya some say not telling is a lie. Thing is I am a grown up, you don’t own me. It is not a lie to NOT tell you every thought, every fantasy, every vision, every epiphany. You don’t control my thoughts or feelings just because you love me, and if you feel that then it's your fear and insecurity and NOT LOVING ME. Just because I am in a relationship with someone does not give them all access to my every thought, action, dream, vision, truth or lie. I Got Me. I don’t need a keeper, I want a lover, a friend, a companion, a playmate, and NOT a Warden.
Thing is for me, it always comes down to controlling my own mind, my thoughts, my emotions. How in the world does the actions of another, their choice, their body make or break me? If it does I need to keep working on the whole I Got Me, and I don’t need to control your actions to be ok with Me. I need to work on removing more triggers and programs. IF the TRUTH of ANOTHER wrecks my World then I have not Got Me and need to keep discovering beliefs, and doing the inner work on myself.
Some find life easier, more content if they know, or assume their partner only wants them, and for some this includes time a partner spends on their own hobbies, interests, projects, or anything that does not include them, as well as intimate friendships with another
To me it is a daily Choice, today I choose you, you choose me. I don’t own you past this moment or even in this moment. To love and touch another, to laugh and play, it is a Gift, not to be taken for granted or fall into the whole YOU are mine and we are monogamous so now I feel ok about me.
If the Actions of Another Makes or Breaks You, then this is an Inside Job. Ask yourself what must I believe to feel so bad just because my partner is doing someone or something that is not about me?
Jealousy is always Trauma Based.
Needing to Control another in any way is Trauma Based.
If you feel better about you, your life, your day based on the action of another, you will never be Happy, never be truly content, never be Sovereign as you are waiting every moment in some ptsd manner or walking on eggshells waiting for that moment your partner does something that you don’t approve of and then you lose your shit as they say.
You MUSt be committed to your TRUE SELF and bring that True Self to all your relationships of every kind, in every way. And be so strong in that, that you don’t alter your true self so that someone else is “ok”, “stable”, or feels better about you, themselves or your relationship.
You have to define fun, intimacy, love how I am most comfortable with or I can’t be with you. Ok. But most don’t simply say hey you believe differently and move on, they manipulate you, control you, and you let them and their needs change you.
So odd, they want to “keep” the person, and they think they can keep them by guilt tripping them into being a version of themselves that is not true but instead the one that their lover is most comfortable with and they call this Love, Intimacy, Marriage, a Relationship. No Thank You. I strive to be my real true me for me. I strive to allow myself to be my true self. I strive to not be swayed, taken back, annihilated, sad, hurt, heartbroke, or devastated by the actions of another of which I cannot control. If I need to control them to feel ok about me then it’s back to the drawing board for me. Time to discover what Belief, Trigger or Progam is causing that emotion, and face it head on.
The ONLY Person you can Cheat on and Cheat out of is YOU.
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Relationship Writing Ramble by Reverend Crystal Cox
ReverendCrystalCox@gMail.com
Consciousness Consultant, Psychic Healer
