Today I Awoke in a Volcanic Rage.
Fire filling my entire body. Pressure building from what felt like depths deeper than my body could
interpret and out further than my perspective could fathom, or put words to. My chest full of energy
feeling like a liquid air mix filling to burst point. My head doing the same. I cried and screamed and
then I was disappointed in myself for negative thinking about negative thinking.
From within a feeling of a buried coffin alive gasping for air, for life force. I found myself yelling at
people I have known. Yelling in my own small sleeping area alone, rain coating every window and
the chill dark air judging me for judging myself for my Rage.
So much anger, disappointed in so much and so many. Tears exploding lava, yelling names,
places,things. Crying to the Silence. Begging their removal.
Bitter, rageful at everyone and everything that ever betrayed me or that my earthly self interpreted as betrayal. Images in mass of every face, every action, and all the emotion, anger, grief, and rage at their actions and my allowance, all came rushing in at one time.
Bitter, rageful at everyone and everything that ever betrayed me or that my earthly self interpreted as betrayal. Images in mass of every face, every action, and all the emotion, anger, grief, and rage at their actions and my allowance, all came rushing in at one time.
It was not forgiveness asked of me, it was a part of myself grabbing another part of my self
by the proverbial shoulders and saying LOOK AT IT. See What they Did. See your Pain, Be Mad
at them Stop holding it in and calling it the High Ground, the higher version of you, your best self.
SEE ME. See what they did to you to me. STOP pretending they did not know better or it was
so long ago or that now you have to deal with what they did and they don’t
and it’s still ok to have them in ANY part of your life. Stop pretending it’s OK when it’s not ok.
Give Me a Voice. Give me an Ear. Listen to me tell you what they did to us. CHOOSE.
STOP holding your words. Stop giving them a “pass” and denying my voice while I hide here
deep inside you yelling it’s not ok. IT IS NOT OK, they DO NOT GET TO MOVE ON with US
still accessible to their life.
As you remove them from your Life but you don’t address the Truth of what you feel, and you ride the chariot of the high road you look away from them and in your ignoring their face, you deny my voice.
As you remove them from your Life but you don’t address the Truth of what you feel, and you ride the chariot of the high road you look away from them and in your ignoring their face, you deny my voice.
In that moment I faced them all, I hated them all, I screamed and ran them off. Faces and Places
flashed in front of me, my guts turned as if forcefully wrenching, kind of like a giant towel being
wrung out, blood, tears, rage, pain, grief, shame, programs, trauma triggers wrung out painfully
cramping my stomach and intestines.
In that all encompassing time jolting moment I stopped keeping secrets from a part of myself.
I looked at all they took from me, how they discarded me and did not stand with me in the hour
of need. How they fed off my success with no regard for my life. I cried and cried and raged and raged. I hated and scouled. All those low vibration emotions I thought I had transcended.
I looked at their ignoring the truth and covering up their past, all the while shaking their head
at me for Fighting the Good Fight for the Light of which they could not see and Crazy they accepted
as me, as they cowered in fear of the oppressors I stood up to.
I was forcefully shown the movie, the images all along my life, each person, face and phase that
did not see me or what I secrets I was telling, they ignored the abuse around me, they ignored
my words and my pain. They assumed who I was, and they put their secrets in vaults forgiving
themselves in silence with their God, and continuing with those same abuses in all our lives.
Never a moment of being able to say Hey I Choose to NOT have YOU in my Life. This is not petty,
not low vibration, not “negative”, not unGodly or non-scripture based, this is not your life not your
choice. I don’t like you, I get to say I don’t want to touch you, know you, have you in my life
in any way, and You do not get to deny me. And I was forced to tell the truth of it all to myself.
You Made a Choice to DO as you Did. I make a Choice to Face that, digest it and
NOT HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE period.
I do not have to give you a Free Pass to my Energy Field. I do not have to have any of you in my life,
my body, my ether, my Energy Field in any way. Be Gone. Stay Gone.. No sugar coating your abuse
or ignoring of such. So what if you have changed. I get Choice, I don’t want the old you or the new
you in my Life of Choice. NONE. Nothing. Not at All.
So what if you are still enabling them all. Oh well. Stay Away from me, don’t think of me, don’t talk
to me, don’t honey sweety me, don’t NOTHING me. GO Away. GONE.
I never needed wanted or chose those you all forced on me. A shut off from early childhood betrayals, ignoring how ex’s treated me, moving through family abuse unacknowledged,
loving them all, nice and high road. Thing is the High Road my Chariot was traveling on begin t
o sink quickly, all at once in the quickest of the quick sand and wham right back down to “their level”
to look them in the eye, to Judge them, to Judge myself, to cry and yell, and hate and anger.
And to CHOOSE once and for all They don’t Get to be in my life. I Do NOT choose them, or
the energy they represent. Go Away Forever.
Yes I wanted to forgive. I raised my vibration, I healed my core and my Energy Field. I released
traumas, triggers and programs. Thing is I had yet to tell them what you did is NOT ok, not then,
not now, not ever. And I had yet to face the fear of really removing them all from inside of me, all I know to be me.
I never needed wanted or chose those you all forced on me. A shut off from early childhood betrayals, ignoring how ex’s treated me, moving through family abuse unacknowledged,
loving them all, nice and high road. Thing is the High Road my Chariot was traveling on begin t
o sink quickly, all at once in the quickest of the quick sand and wham right back down to “their level”
to look them in the eye, to Judge them, to Judge myself, to cry and yell, and hate and anger.
And to CHOOSE once and for all They don’t Get to be in my life. I Do NOT choose them, or
the energy they represent. Go Away Forever.
Yes I wanted to forgive. I raised my vibration, I healed my core and my Energy Field. I released
traumas, triggers and programs. Thing is I had yet to tell them what you did is NOT ok, not then,
not now, not ever. And I had yet to face the fear of really removing them all from inside of me, all I know to be me.
You made a choice long ago and I had no choice. New You, Old You. I Still Choose NO YOU.
LOOK at THEM. Look at their Faces, their actions, their Choices put upon me. I LOOKED FULLY
at them. I was blinded by an intense burst of pain, and rage. My body taking the hit, my lifeforce
draining, emptying out right their into the quicksand. And now I CHOOSE NOT have you in my life,
my daily life, my energy field. Instead of sitting in the waiting for when they say anything
about anything and feeling my body seize and cringe. I am now on the Offense.
I Hate You, I don’t like you. I can’t pretend to have some sugar coated high road emotion that
I really do not have about any of you.
Your Life Choices are Yours. I did not Choose for you, nor did I choose the action you chose
against me. Yes I believe I created all these scenarios before I came to this “Here”, this “Now”.
Yes lessons and things to learn and such, still the truth is the rage and the lie is the high road on
shaky bumpy ground destined to collapse.
at them. I was blinded by an intense burst of pain, and rage. My body taking the hit, my lifeforce
draining, emptying out right their into the quicksand. And now I CHOOSE NOT have you in my life,
my daily life, my energy field. Instead of sitting in the waiting for when they say anything
about anything and feeling my body seize and cringe. I am now on the Offense.
I Hate You, I don’t like you. I can’t pretend to have some sugar coated high road emotion that
I really do not have about any of you.
Your Life Choices are Yours. I did not Choose for you, nor did I choose the action you chose
against me. Yes I believe I created all these scenarios before I came to this “Here”, this “Now”.
Yes lessons and things to learn and such, still the truth is the rage and the lie is the high road on
shaky bumpy ground destined to collapse.
Thing is So What if I Chose this Life Path before incarnation, I still cannot pretend to feel things
I don’t. No matter how much healing work I have done on myself or do on others. If I lie to a part
of myself I am suppressing that Rage and anger and I am Denying my core truth to Myself
I don’t. No matter how much healing work I have done on myself or do on others. If I lie to a part
of myself I am suppressing that Rage and anger and I am Denying my core truth to Myself
I Hate You. And I Get To. I allow myself to Hate You. And to Release You, in my Final Vote of
what Timeline I want to live permanently in any and all incarnations.
what Timeline I want to live permanently in any and all incarnations.
My body, my mind raged within and without, I cried loudly, I tossed and turned tormented as if
Holy Woman was releasing tormented possessions within my soul, my body, my etheric core.
A couple hours later I interpret my Massive Explosive woke up in Rage, as massive timelines
collapsing. As a profound Choosing of what I don’t want in my life, in any life I ever have and my
last Vote in this dimension of what and who I will bring into my next Timeline, my next higher
Dimension.
I can’t forgive them. I can’t pretend I have or can. All I can do is CHOOSE. Is make my Energetic
Vote to the Life I want for me, and the Energy I want to bring forth on and in Mother Earth and
her inhabitants.
An inner Raging Begging me to Protect, to Defend, to Stand up for that part of me voiceless in
the mud of their denial, their secrets, their rampant enabled consistent unacknowledged abuse.
I don’t have to like you, and that is more than oK, as any and all ages of myself that I have been
forced to look right at via an inner eye universal home movie.
I am angry at dad hating that I existed in his home, waiting for the second I would leave so he
could be alone with my Mother. I am angry at my bloodline for abandoning me in chaos. I am angry
at her abuse and torment of which she has never put word to, only a blanket apology for my entire
childhood. I am angry at her tantrums. I am anger at sex being the center of everything, the innuendo
of everything all the time in the family dynamic and extended family. I am angry at my rapist uncle
and his sisters that did nothing, and still will not look at it. I am angry at family that invites pedophile
molesters to the dinner tables still today with no acknowledgement of their victims who simply don’t
come to those dinners, those gatherings. It is not ok. I am angry at the system that did not hear
the thousands of rape cases I reported on over decades. I am angry at the oppressors who denied
my Mother Earth’s plants to heal me and those I love. I am angry at all those who have ever claimed
or acted close to me, and yet at the same time did not like me, lied to me, despised me, abused me,
judge me and will never ever know me. I Allow myself to Not Choose them, to Not Prefer them.
I am angry that I have these words as I deemed myself better than to feel such low vibration emotions.
I deemed myself “better” then these naughty, horrible, ungodly words as labeled by all those who
wished to shut me up. Some did Shut Me up. Today my body burst them out and my lower vibration
Emotions explode and spew and DEMAND I Choose.
The High Road I was on, was always too bumpy, so airy at times and well WHAM the High Road
Sank and I am Angry. I choose what I prefer. I Hurt as all the chords pull out, and the Grief wails
in fear and panic.
As the Patriarch Collapses and massive Timelines burst and collide. I release my anger,
I release lower vibration emotions, program and trigger remnants, And all of YOU along with it.
the mud of their denial, their secrets, their rampant enabled consistent unacknowledged abuse.
I don’t have to like you, and that is more than oK, as any and all ages of myself that I have been
forced to look right at via an inner eye universal home movie.
I am angry at dad hating that I existed in his home, waiting for the second I would leave so he
could be alone with my Mother. I am angry at my bloodline for abandoning me in chaos. I am angry
at her abuse and torment of which she has never put word to, only a blanket apology for my entire
childhood. I am angry at her tantrums. I am anger at sex being the center of everything, the innuendo
of everything all the time in the family dynamic and extended family. I am angry at my rapist uncle
and his sisters that did nothing, and still will not look at it. I am angry at family that invites pedophile
molesters to the dinner tables still today with no acknowledgement of their victims who simply don’t
come to those dinners, those gatherings. It is not ok. I am angry at the system that did not hear
the thousands of rape cases I reported on over decades. I am angry at the oppressors who denied
my Mother Earth’s plants to heal me and those I love. I am angry at all those who have ever claimed
or acted close to me, and yet at the same time did not like me, lied to me, despised me, abused me,
judge me and will never ever know me. I Allow myself to Not Choose them, to Not Prefer them.
I am angry that I have these words as I deemed myself better than to feel such low vibration emotions.
I deemed myself “better” then these naughty, horrible, ungodly words as labeled by all those who
wished to shut me up. Some did Shut Me up. Today my body burst them out and my lower vibration
Emotions explode and spew and DEMAND I Choose.
The High Road I was on, was always too bumpy, so airy at times and well WHAM the High Road
Sank and I am Angry. I choose what I prefer. I Hurt as all the chords pull out, and the Grief wails
in fear and panic.
As the Patriarch Collapses and massive Timelines burst and collide. I release my anger,
I release lower vibration emotions, program and trigger remnants, And all of YOU along with it.
I am forced to pick a side, to choose a life I prefer and to fully face what they all have done in every
kind of what I deem as betrayal or disrespect, every kind of abuse, every kind of judgement and
disregard on every level with every person, every place, every energy.
kind of what I deem as betrayal or disrespect, every kind of abuse, every kind of judgement and
disregard on every level with every person, every place, every energy.
And to Choose to not have them in my life, no matter their guilt tripping disappointment in their
version of me.
version of me.
I do not want any of you in my next timeline, simply my Truth. Coddling you, calling it love to bring
you along, is just abuse to myself by myself. Calling it the High Road, pretending I forgave all, well
none of that is the Truth, no matter how many million times I tell myself it is. So I Choose What
I prefer. As I sit her with my guts still wringing out low vibration emotions and traumas you all put
on me and I held in secret corridors for you. As my heart is heavy with your guilt and shame and
my mind is pressured by your choices, your version of life. I keep walking as all parts, pieces,
energy ethers fall away. As all chords pull out and cut. As I Truthfully Dimensionally Shift Away from
You ALL. Dimensions Away By Choice.
you along, is just abuse to myself by myself. Calling it the High Road, pretending I forgave all, well
none of that is the Truth, no matter how many million times I tell myself it is. So I Choose What
I prefer. As I sit her with my guts still wringing out low vibration emotions and traumas you all put
on me and I held in secret corridors for you. As my heart is heavy with your guilt and shame and
my mind is pressured by your choices, your version of life. I keep walking as all parts, pieces,
energy ethers fall away. As all chords pull out and cut. As I Truthfully Dimensionally Shift Away from
You ALL. Dimensions Away By Choice.
Pssst, Hey You. Ya You. Go Away. Go Away this Day.
~ Reverend Crystal Cox
